I lost the love of my life.

I have been in a long term relationship for almost 6 years.

I know i love him. we aim to tie the knot when both of us have enough money. ( i yg selalu xde duit)

and i know he love me. with all his heart.

for the past years. maybe since a couple years back. i took him for granted. i thought, its okay. he'll understand. im tired with my studies im tired with my internship and eventually im tired with my work so he can wait. he'll understand because it work. when i was stressed out, i didnt tell him. i kept it inside. one of the reason is because i forget to tell him cus sometimes when i talk to him i forgot everything else. second is i malas nk open up. sbb mood dgn dia baik nk open up about my stress kesian dia penat. and third sometimes i vent it on him even when he did the tiniest mistakes.
I'm not sure what got me but sometimes i didnt event apologies if i did something wrong. everything comes to my ego. 

I'm selfish and vain. egoistic and cruel. how could i do something like that to the person who has always been there for me? when he tried to help me with my work or studies i pushed him away reason being i dont like to feel stupid sbb he's smart. i felt really stupid. 


why did i do all of that if i love him. how can i be so selfish ? why didnt i thought of how he might have felt ? i was so full of myself and occupied with my struggles and insecurities that i didnt see his.

so finally he gave up on me. last week. on the 1st of november. 
and i dont blame him. i would have given up on myself long ago. but he stayed by my side waiting for me to change. but i blew my chances. i feel like trash and i keep blaming myself that because of what i did. i hurt him badly and i hurt myself too.

now only that i realize how important he is in my life. but he's not in it anymore.